Wow. I seem to be on a crying streak this week. Right now I blame the United States healthcare system.

I went to voice therapy for the first time on Saturday. After a necessary voice surgery. My insurance company thinks voice therapy/surgery/-related procedures are superfluous to basic health. At least I thought my voice therapy sessions would go toward my out-of-pocket expenses, alas my voice therapist doesn’t go through insurance in any way.

She charges $110 per hour-long visit after your first visit. It is hard to pay someone that amount of money for a year (which I did in the past) and again now, when you don’t know that what they’re doing is actually going to help you long term. With the state my voice is in, I have gleaned the knowledge that I can from her. Unless I advance, the information doesn’t advance.

When I just checked my credit card statement, I saw that I was billed for $120 last time. What? Why?

I emailed her asking if her rates went up. An extra $10 per appointment shouldn’t be crazy, but to me it is incredibly stressful right now. I am trying to maintain weekly appointments with her. My budget is practically at zero, without any savings and without paying off any of my hospital bills, not to mention the anesthesia, for which I haven’t yet received a bill (which I could write another post about entirely).

An extra $40 a month if I go every week is just not doable right now. I don’t know where that money is going to come from. The kicker is that I really want to go to therapy. I need to go to therapy. The fact that seeing this bill immediately had me in tears shows me that I need to go to therapy. And Jack wants me to go, and I want me to go.

I don’t know how to do this. It all feels so unfair.

I have voice problems, which cost me a ton of money of the past few years, which is why I had depleted savings, which is why I couldn’t pay off this most recent surgery, which is why I recently received an anesthesia bill I’d never gotten for previous surgeries, which is why my tiny savings were further depleted, which is why I can’t afford to get the post-op treatment I need, which is why I can’t afford therapy, which is why I am so stressed out, which is why I am depressed, which is why I need fucking therapy.

I am in okay health, but I am health-poor. I’m just glad I haven’t accrued debt because of it. Not technically anyway. Or I’m not in collections on anything… that I know of… yet.

This system doesn’t work. I am 27 years old. And I am barely making it because of health issues I HAVE to pour money into. This stuff is not for vanity or for fun. It is necessary to be able to talk. Yes, I would technically keep breathing if I couldn’t talk, but I would be at a serious disadvantage. I wouldn’t be able to perform job functions. And I would be so much less happy than I am now.

I don’t know if that is petty. I used to think not being able to sing would devastate me. To a certain extent I think it can be pretty crushing. But then I decided I wanted to focus on just being happy – whatever that meant. But not being able to talk? I don’t know how I’d become okay with that. I would need therapy more desperately than I do now, that’s for sure.

I just want to learn how to be happy. It’s all I’m trying to do. Be a happy, healthy, functioning adult human being in society. But the bills adding up cuts into my happiness. The stress of trying to find the money… not being able to afford the voice therapy that makes surgery worth it, that help me recover from surgery is so nerve wracking, it wreaks havoc on my health in turn. My shoulders are getting to know my ear lobes too well. The stress, the stress, the stress. It gets to me.

I need help out of this hole. Really help out of the voice-problem hole matters more to me. But I may not know that’s happening until I get there. With financial help, I would be able to see the debt diminishing and my savings actually starting to exist again.

With health… it always seems like progress isn’t to be trusted. At least with voice health. I jsut want to be healthy. I just want to be okay now please. Can I please be okay now? How do I be okay?
















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