I’m having some trouble coming to terms with my future.
Similar statements are usually made about your past. But this time I’m worried about things that haven’t happened yet.
And it’s not like normal. It’s not like when I freak out that if I don’t lock the door right at midnight, someone will break into my apartment.
It’s a fear that, for some reason, is a lot harder to come to terms with.
I’m afraid I’ll be broken.
This creative machine I didn’t realize I was building all my life might have met it’s peak. And I didn’t take full advantage of it when it was here. That thought terrifies me.
It’s useless to worry about this. I have no way of knowing until two months after surgery. But right now, I’m really scared.
I don’t want to not be able to sing. Some might ask me if it would really be that bad. I’ve lived it for months. And yes, for me, it is that bad.
It’s how I express myself. It’s how I let go. It’s how I move on. And right now, I don’t have an alternative.
I know if I can’t sing again I’ll find other creative outlets. I’ll find other ways to express myself. But there’s a burning part of me that just wants to keep doing it so bad.
The other fear is that my life won’t go back to normal. That I’ll always have to carry around a white board and dry erase marker, and I’ll never be able to go out and have a conversation without monitoring how much I’m talking.
I used to get into “funks” and feel like I wasn’t adding anything to the conversation every so often when out with friends. Now I think I’d shine through those if I could only talk as much as I want to. I really miss doing bits with my friends. I miss not being angry when I had to repeat myself, because I had a million words to spend.
I know it will be okay no matter what, but right now I’m scared.
Time to wait some more.