“How’s the voice?”
“Still can’t talk?”
For some reason today these are the types of questions I’m attracting. What my well-intended coworkers don’t understand is this: my speech is limited, and the last thing I want to talk about is not being able to talk.
Still, there’s a reason I’m drawing these kinds of questions from them. I’m thinking of myself as a victim.
Recognizing this behavior is much easier than figuring out what to do about it.
On a very simple level, I realize that I’m victimizing myself, and that’s bad. At the same time, aren’t I a victim?
This terrible thing happened to me, and now I’m stuck living it. While I’m fighting back every way I know how, I have no idea if anything’s really getting better. The test that was supposed to send me in the right direction ended up being an ambiguous mess.
Here’s the conversation I had
with a coworker this morning:
Him: You can’t talk today either?
Me: (hesitates) I’m trying not to talk today. (starts to walk away)
Him: What’s wrong with you?
Me: (blank stare)
Him: …. I mean what’s wrong with your voice?
Me: ……….. I DON’T WANNA TALK ABOUT IT.
Annnnnnnd scene. I want everyone I work with (about 50 people) to understand what I’m going through, but I sincerely don’t want to explain it to each of them. A couple of weeks ago I sent out a vague email to all of our staff letting them know not to take it personally when I don’t exchange pleasantries with them in the hallway. I guess it wasn’t enough information.
I know asking means they care, but right now I just want to feel sorry for myself. Maybe I want to be a victim for a little while. It’s a shitty situation, and I’m going to keep doing everything I can to get better (talk less, go to speech therapy, not chug gallons of ketchup every day).
After a week or two things will get better. For now, I choose to wallow in my wallowy self-serving victimization with a pint of mint chocolate chip ice cream and a bag of reduced fat Cheez-Its.
Hopefully my next post will be all about getting over it.