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“What’s wrong?”

“How’s the voice?”

“Still can’t talk?”

For some reason today these are the types of questions I’m attracting. What my well-intended coworkers don’t understand is this: my speech is limited, and the last thing I want to talk about is not being able to talk. 

Still, there’s a reason I’m drawing these kinds of questions from them. I’m thinking of myself as a victim.

 

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Recognizing this behavior is much easier than figuring out what to do about it.

On a very simple level, I realize that I’m victimizing myself, and that’s bad. At the same time, aren’t I a victim?

This terrible thing happened to me, and now I’m stuck living it. While I’m fighting back every way I know how, I have no idea if anything’s really getting better. The test that was supposed to send me in the right direction ended up being an ambiguous mess.

Here’s the conversation I had
with a coworker this morning:

Him: Mornin’!

Me: (waves)

Him: You can’t talk today either?

Me: (hesitates) I’m trying not to talk today. (starts to walk away)

Him: What’s wrong with you?

Me: (blank stare)

Him: …. I mean what’s wrong with your voice?

Me: ……….. I DON’T WANNA TALK ABOUT IT.

 

Annnnnnnd scene. I want everyone I work with (about 50 people) to understand what I’m going through, but I sincerely don’t want to explain it to each of them. A couple of weeks ago I sent out a vague email to all of our staff letting them know not to take it personally when I don’t exchange pleasantries with them in the hallway. I guess it wasn’t enough information.

WOMP WOMP

I know asking means they care, but right now I just want to feel sorry for myself. Maybe I want to be a victim for a little while. It’s a shitty situation, and I’m going to keep doing everything I can to get better (talk less, go to speech therapy, not chug gallons of ketchup every day).

After a week or two things will get better. For now, I choose to wallow in my wallowy self-serving victimization with a pint of mint chocolate chip ice cream and a bag of reduced fat Cheez-Its.

Hopefully my next post will be all about getting over it.

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